26
Jun
10

The Highway to Hell Parenting Tips


Hell Raising Kids

I have it on from good sources that, yes, you can screw up your kids. My hope it to educate parents on things they can do to screw up their kids, so we can create a whole generation of misfits, malcontents, and psychopaths, insuring that our children become more messed up than ourselves.

For you who are doing that already, I salute you.  Rock on.

Naming Conventions:

First, let’s start with birth.  You can set the stage for screwing up your kids by naming them with some really cool names.  According to an article I’ve read, you can certainly do that by choosing from a top ten list of names of folks in prison.  But underneath all that fame, you should understand the principles of naming.

Principle 1.  Screw up the spelling of a name.  Like Joe = Jhoe, Patrick = Patric.

Principle 2.  Choose an very unusually name or name known in infamy = Jesse James, Adolph Hitler.

Principle 3.  Try a name that one thinks isn’t a name like Frutiopia, Swarglenugget, or Pruneblister.

Stripper Names Rule

Choosing a really funky name will certainly bring attention to your child, and make them special.  My wife tells me she knows that a woman named her kids urinalysis — sounds good doesn’t it.  Try out Babylon, Death, Krypton, Lollipops, Sugar, or Methol.  Stripper names are good for gals.

If you really want to prepare your kids for American life, you can feed them really well.  Early on, you can start them on a diet of sugar, high carbs, and fat.  Yes, kids need food, and these foods are the easiest way to set their good futures with diabetes, coronary disease, and cancer.  Candy is a must between meals too.  Remember if you want you kids to have a perfect smile, they will need implants or dentures where your teeth are perfect.  Also feeding your kids Hohos, Ding dongs, Doritos, Oreo Cookies, Donuts, Hot Dogs, Soda, Dunkoroos, Lucky Charms, Captain Crunch, and Frosted Flakes.  This will prepare the for feeding the medical community, raise insurance prices, medical prices and keep their minds from being able to think.

Sex, Drugs and Alcohol

Now for really cool parents who party all the time.  Just bring your kids into the fun.  Kids like music, and they can really get off with some good drugs.  However, keep the video cameras out of the house when you are getting stoned with your kids.  The bong is an everyday thing, but posting videos of your kids pulling a stoner on youtube can get you in trouble.   Getting your kids high with you is much more entertaining than television too.

From Dr. Laura on how to be a kick-ass parent:

Wall flower

  • Birth Them Then Don’t Raise Them: Neglect is good for kids.  They learn faith in themselves, when you ignore them.
  • “Sex is for pleasure.  Sorry you screwed up and had a kid.  But, you can have fun with them.  Next time, just use a stronger contraception.  Abortions are too expensive, unless the government is paying for it!
  • If you have parents or in-laws, you have free day care.  Use it.
  • TV is the best source of day care when you have no one who cares about you.
  • Guys, try having as many kids as possible from as many women as possible.
  • Single motherhood is great for guys.
  • Kids having tantrums draws hits on YouTube.
  • Buy your kids awesome message clothing!

Buy Head Shop Diapers

Use you smarts to find ways to really enjoy your kids.  Show them all you worst habits and they will learn from you.  Also make sure you provide them plenty of access to television, especially adult cable channels.  If you want to teach them the your values, then make sure you leave all your best gear out: roach clips, heroine spoons, bongs, porno videos, and other miscellaneous paraphernalia.

Relevant Video Clips:

Kids Loves Coffee Kids need caffeine too.  Make sure you start them early – work with 1 part coffee, 1 part milk, and ¼ cup of sugar.

Here are many examples – great video for learning parents.

Don’t Post a Video of Your Kid Smoking Pot or you may go to Jail

If you have some good tips for parents, post a comment.

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