Catering to Fiction

picture of delusions

Do we have a delusion for you!

I have been facing my life and the delusional state of mind I’ve had, but I’m afraid, I’ll just replace on set of artificial sensibilities with another.  My mind seems to cater to fiction.

I have been doing the same for over 20 years.  The work is real, but the way I work is really fictional.  Sufficient to say, I have realized of late that I need to professionalize parts of my work, to give myself more purpose.  The problem has been in part to the type of work and the type of work environment.

Working at a state educational institution, many people here living the delusion of quality education.  The faculty actually feel they are educating, but their secrets are not going unnoticed.  I see the type of term papers, and the cheating and the hiring of ghost writers that goes on.  Students are constantly getting around doing te real work, and learning the real topics, and are soliciting help on all fronts.  Their work is not their own.  Their work is a scam.

Further “scamminess” appears in the way of education matching job market.  I know that when these poorly educated students come back without jobs for over two years.  The degrees are worthless for many.  Not that every major and ever study is inconsequential — just most of the liberal arts, counseling, social work types who get a very poor schooling and then can’t work until they have advanced degrees.

But this piece is about me, right?  I live with a woman who is as productive as a rock.  She has her delusions, and I have mine.  She feels that as her husband I am to provide her with her spending money, her housing, food, clothing — just as if she were an infant.  She is like a leach, sucking off me — and me in my delusional state, let her suck and suck.  I have to act like it isn’t hurting, but damn, the pain has anesthetized me.

A few years ago, I thought to ride myself of her, to divorce her, and to start a new life.  My mind reeled.  I talk to other men who told me that they had similar feelings and did in fact get an attorney and cut the strings.  But they also told me of how crippled the experience left them financially.  One guy tells me he was unemployed for a while and then was so far back on his alimony and child support that they garnished anything he earned — and it continues to this day.  He is always looking for ways to earn money under the table — I really think he sells drugs.

So I persisted in the madness and do to this day.  The woman still can’t earn a dollar.  Hasn’t worked a full-time job for over twenty years.  Drives all over hell, spends money on her whims, and uses credit to patch her over expenditures — at least I have account protection.

But I have no protection from myself, and my love of the delusions with which I make up my life.


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