11
May
12

Need for Belonging


I realized something recently, a big WOW in my mind.  It all occurred because I was interrupted in my sleep, and fell back into a dream state.  It had to do with who I am and who you are as well.  It seems that we are all seeking BWC.

The dream itself was short, insignificant in length, like a one-minute film.  Flashback: I was a part of a group, like from high school, and I felt included in the group.  Flash forward:  The members of the group were looking at the film, like at a high school reunion some years later, and they did not see that I felt included in their group whatsoever, and it was clear I was not thought of as part of their group at all.

That is the B.  Belonging.

Do you find yourself in or out of “the” group?  Regardless, people want to be part of the group, and that is a highly important psychological insight.  Belonging is all important to people.  People can be destroyed by sending them off from society, eliminating all communication with them, and disregarding their pleas for community.

Gang Bang Belonging

Some people will go throughout their lives looking for someone, to communicate with, to have society  They will give up their principles, their morals to fit in, they will smoke dope, shoot up, drink like fish, all to gain a foothold out of the out and into the in.  They will pierce themselves with holes, ink their skins, buy a motorcycle, risk their lives, damage their bodies, and sell their souls to be in.

W is the worthiness factor.  It isn’t enough to be born and be in, one must feel worthy:  Worthy of respect, worthy of being heard; and, worthy of being loved.  No matter what group people go into, they all have this psychological need to feel worthy.  When one is disrespected long enough, they will seek another group to find their worth in.  They will learn new songs, dance new dance steps, and try new things, all to get someone’s respect.  Gang members feel respected by each other.  Their demands may be wicked, but the gang member at least has someone who respects them for who they are and what they’ve done.

Lastly the need for competence comes up.  The need to feel like you know something; that you’ve gained mastery, even if it is something as simple as knowing the stats for someone else’s achievement.  Many people follow celebrities and memorize all that person’s achievements, and they know so much and feel they have a level of competence that others do not have.  They feel good about themselves.

Ultimately, the BWC of life comes from not getting the right levels of love, respect and a sense of belonging from their own families.  The needs weren’t met, and the psychological needs weren’t satisfied.  A vacuum is left in its place.

Parents make a grave mistake when they don’t provide a place for their children to feel at home in.  When the child has to go outside of their family to find worth, parents have failed to take their children seriously and to love them unconditionally.  But parents are humans, and they too may have a sense of emptiness, or a sense of not belonging, and a lack of self-worth and competence.

These lacks have to be filled with real stuff, not successes, material possessions, accomplishments, and plaques on a wall.  Many people who have competencies and have great successes in their lives still pull back the triggers on guns or down vials of drugs.  They want love, a sense of belongs, and self-worth.  That’s what makes us tick.

What makes you tick?

Related Articles:

Loneley Madness, by Carly Frinter

What are the effects of isolation in the mind? By Molly Edmonds

Children and Self-Esteem from Canadian Mental Health Association

Elements of Self motivation, by Al Duncan

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